made out with the bouncer to distract him from how illegitimate my fake id is.
So his roomate was eating breakfast when I was sneaking out. He's the guy I took home from jessicas wedding. I ended up eating coco puffs with him
Just another sign I need to get out of this town
Dude i have a 6th sense for when bagel bites are ready.
Just had to explain to a senior manager why I had duct tape residue on my wrist and hand. This weekend was a success.
i just dedicated my kegstand to your breasts
Apparently I have a urinal in my bedroom
I'm figuring, since someone shoved pizza crust in my ear last night, there might be some leftover pizza.
Tiny.
I mean tony. It's like autocorrect knows he wasn't well endowed.
I'm making a quesadilla and including it in the picture because that's the only way I think I can send her dick pics.
Flacco has been sacked like 7 times. His name also auto corrects to Flaccid. That's so sad
Apparently she broke up w/ her bf like 3 weeks ago. She actually called me to be her bday hookup cause she's single now. Patience- the virtue that occasionally pays off.
I need you there. I need someone to glance at when other people inevitably annoy me.
He was telling me about how he's leaving on his Mission next week... While we were having sex in the back of his car.
Who wants to play the "pick up your shit from our floor because you're not paying rent or dating either of us" game?
But then our conversations are like black box recordings. Just the stuff you hear when the plane is going down
Randomize
