i have your red jacket for some reason. and a good deal of shame and embarasment. note to self, wear underwear when you wear a dress. also, i was electrocuted last night. dont ask how.
He just told me he would murder a thousand dolphins to be with me. Quite the charmer.
The guy drove to our house at 6am to sell us weed. Now that's customer service.
Just wanted to let you know that I always win at "whose ex is crazier" because of you.
So my ex just cheated on her current bf w/me and now there's a car coming to take me to Vegas... Is this really my Thursday night?
I hate you.
there was so much ham clogging the tub drain.. he said it was ok he has a cleaning lady
I think that the winner of this years fantasy football league should get naming rights to you child
His response today determines what state my vagina will be in this weekend.
It's surprise blowjob week. You should be excited.
The random guy I fucked from craigslist said I had the best smile. I take compliments where i can get them
I just farted a soft, gentle fart and it made me think of the eye puff glaucoma test at the eye dr. I hope that's not fart air they use for those. And yes, I'm texting you from the toilet and yes again, I'm high.
Looks like a took a video of myself beating off and passed out last night. I'm classy.
Instead of more alcohol, I decided to drink tea. Lets slow clap it out for me
you would have been so proud of how classy i just looked at the pharmacy with my $10 off plan b coupon. so resourceful.
He agreed to matching Christmas pajamas today, no guy does that for a girl he’s not seriously considering marrying.
Randomize
