So I've decided that when I turn 50 and have to have a colonoscopy I'm going to leave a surprise for the doctor to find.
You weren't lying about those ceramics students giving the best hand jobs.
I tried to explain to him that we just wanted a stereotypical black friend to be in our group. He didn't take it too well... Never take me to the bar again.
My mom called me and we started arguing as usual. I finally screamed at her "I HEAR YOU AND THAT 30 YEAR OLD FUCKING!" and hung up. She hasn't called back yet. I win.
5th glass of wine. There's pictures of Jesus everywhere. It's like you're constantly reminded of your sins here.
Is there a special protocol when the stripper has a Boba Fett tattoo?
It was like an ecstasy filled massage for my vagina.
That's the best compliment I have ever received.
Dude, on the way home the cab driver asked why you didn't bring a guy home and referred to you as "one night stand girl"
somehow attending a funeral viewing turned into me snorting cocaine in the bathroom and drawing ninja turtles for children
Last night you told me you "were too high" and didn't deserve a hashbrown.
Didn't think the day of being the oldest in a club would be when I'm twenty one. Even the bouncer looked surprised when he ID me.
Also, there's a guy walking around the kitchen in a shark onzie, and he just asked if we've ever smoked weed with a shark before. I'm dying
I kept screaming that he looked like Khal Drogo and rode around the bar on his back.
But seriously like how many girls do you know that will do that on the first date?
One?
ONE! And it was was glorious!
Just think how much she’ll hate me when she finds out I fucked her father
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