i sold my breathalizer so i could buy weed
just prayed to lady gaga in hopes it will help me pass my fashion merchandising final...what is my life?
She just took off her shirt and jumped in the kiddie pool. We're not leaving.
nothing says "we're all in this together" like the herpes she passed around to our entire group of friends
I JUST WANT TO WATCH PORN BUT THE CAT IS JUST SITTING HERE LICKING HIS BALLS. I CAN'T DO IT.
You better not fucking die before we have sex while you blow fire. I'm serious. Don't mess up my sexual bucket list.
Im drunk with people I love less than you. fix it.
Malt liquor mondays...better in theory.
Check having sex on the rocks and dirt on the peak of saddleback mountain off my list.
I felt like a god.
Great news I took pics last night
Warning: most of them are of you peeing while I take selfies
I feel like if tampons weren't meant to be microwaved, they'd have a warning on the box, so we should be okay...
Your children are clinging to me like my teets are full of bountiful milkiness. They're driving me nuts. I felt my uterus shrivel up.
We shared a dick. We're practically sisters!
Just threw up in a cup driving down the road because there was cop behind me and I didn't want to pull over. Not sure if winning or failing at life.
Soo I'm in the trunk of a car drunk about to jump on trampolines. My life rocks!
Randomize
