I hope you have a really shitty weekend. I love you.
How was your Memorial Day?
Don't remember... but I do have an American flag painted on my boob signed by a Staff Sargent... Oh God, I hope that's his military rank and not a nick name.
Who did Billy Mays play for?
She asked me why there was $2 in the lunchmeat drawer of the fridge and BBQ sauce all over the kitchen... I'm not sure but I know it has something to do with you
Not even the dog will look at me anymore.
Holy shit. Do you realize what this means? Officially all of my ex-bfs are either dead or gay
Bookstore boy and I went out, he came back here and I tried to fool around and he respects me too much blah blah I'm a predator.
she said I was laying next to a garbage can in the subway doing key bumps and screaming "its my fucking birthday" repeatedly
Although I love the reason it was done, can you maybe not show pictures of my dick to all your friends at parties? I like to present my penis in my own special way. thanks
He was crying because he hiccuped every time he kissed me. We then crawled to the kitchen because neither of us could stand, and I spoon-fed him peanut butter "to cure his ailment."
I just watched Matt try to put on a pillowcase thinking it was a t-shirt.
We're over by the bouncy castles. I'm the one wearing a baby. Bring Twizzlers.
Hey, I'm making progress. I haven't thrown up in a bar while wearing a sweater vest in almost two months.
Just took physics exam. I think this is one of those 'chuck it in the fuck-it bucket and become an art major' days
Because sadly the idea of me having a girlfriend is crazy enough to be an April fools prank
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