i am so afraid to go to the bathroom. i am afraid i am going to fall asleep on the toillet.
Special does not even begin to describe that text.
she called me screaming that i shouldn't ignore her phone calls, because she's not trying to get me to hang out with her and she doesn't want to be my girlfriend, she just wants sex.
what did you do?
i asked her out. that's so hot.
Immaculate conception is definitely the most boring way to conceive a child.
You showed the cops outside of the bar your boobs and then decided to go apologize to them. They admitted that the reason they hung out there was because of girls like you.
A hangover is a type of food poisoning. Makes me feel better about calling out of work.
Saddest moment ever is discovering when your cat no longer wants to get high with you.
I know it's not technically the "Mile High Club" but we def need a name for the airport bathroom. Cuz that just happened.
I just dropped $300 on lingerie. He better rip this off with his teeth.
He's getting off drug court. We're doing a super-blunt with 50 dollars worth stuffed inside. He almost cried tears of joy when we told him.
I had to warn the neighbors
Warn them about what?! It's noon
"Pay no attention to me if at random points of the day I'm outside with kitty cat ears on" I'm a mess...
my still drunk mind thought "hey this is a really good time to stand in the middle of the street barely clothed in 20 degree weather at 4 am talking about the blow job i gave him soph year of high school"
I've noticed we have slowly begun to phase the "B" out of our Bromance.
Saying you need a hooker then asking me to have sex is NOT the way to get laid. Booty call 101.
I feel better now, I have multiple fuck buddies again
Why is there multiple peanut butter and toasts stuck to the fridge door?
Randomize
