The bender is in full force. After 2 bloody mary's at breakfast we are now drinking vodka redbull "as a precaution" so we will stay awake for the club tonight.
Woke up to sesame street reruns and a $62 pizza bill. Never again. I mean it this time.
she was pretty happy for someone in the middle of a herpes outbreak, how was i supposed to know?
I'm going to see if it catches on fire again, then I'll make the decision.
There's gotta be a happy medium between the guys who only want to sleep with me and the ones that respect me too much to try to sleep with me.
I think its pretty common. 1 out of every 4 people probably have a stripper's phone # in their phone.
I thought it was a drawer and tried to pull it out and it wasnt a drawer it was the police call button. I hate everything.
Yes, I have your ice luge mold. I'll do a prisoner exchange for the beer bong
Every time you visit for the weekend I end up having to bleach my entire house after.
You would think a husband, a boyfriend, and a vibrator would be enough. But sadly it's not
he appreciated my fucking vagina for two hours he can appreciate my honesty
And some neighbor just saw me naked and hunched over a bag of potato chips stuffing my face. Maybe clothes aren't a bad idea.
he was spending his time trying to use emojis to court a 19 year old, I can’t really take that seriously no matter how hot a dude is
Nana added me on facebook...i think i'll have to call her and warn her about my lifestyle before i confirm her as a friend.
I think drunk me saved him in my phone as "beautiful man" to play a joke on sober me
Randomize
