Last night I broke through a door, was hospitialized, arrested, and threw my shoe at a bouncer. This summer is gonna be fuckin sick.
Dude why does my asshole itch so bad?
I'll teach you how to wipe better
Not even the dog will look at me anymore.
because whats more american than sleeping with a westpoint cadet on the 4th of july?
Good lord, they've set up every firework to be ignited by a trail of gasoline at midnight. God save us all.
We should celebrate the resignation of Berlusconi tonight with too many bottles of wine and sambuca. We're allies, right?
Hostess is going out of business we'll never survive the apocalypse
i just remember sliding through the snow and yelling i love america before puking on the oncoming cars
I'm hungover from arbor mist I'm so white
Hi I am too sober and out of rum. Translation: I owe you some beer. Also, get better taste in beer.
He was too drunk, and my mother and I ended up babysitting him. He told her I have amazing mouth skills, and that I love the "chorizo" he feeds me. All she said was "And on the list of 30 things you never want to hear about your daughter..." while gripping the steering wheel.Please just fucking kill me now.
Are cops allowed to hit on you if they're in uniform?! Serious question.
all I got out of honors convocation is I've hooked up with a lot of smart guys
Remember when you tried to talk but you could only count by 2s?
I told you for Halloween we just need to let the loins free! Let the girth come to us in a flock, drenched with passion!
Randomize
