Where is my rescue team. I keep hiding shit. And I'm trying to give out shots of olive oil
Bro, there is a rent-a-cop selling syringes out of the trunk of his car. This is why I hate the DMV.
My public calorie counter app is pretty much just a cry for help.
They didn't have a "sorry I was late for your birthday party because I was getting arrested" card.
Dad's already had 6 Zionist conspiracy rants and moms trying to detect any "dark energies" in my soul. You have 4 days before you return to this shit: ENJOY THEM
How do you tell a woman that you are seeing that the scars on your back are from her awesome-in-bed little sister?
There should be a Doritos delivery van or something.
Don't be alarmed when we finally get naked and I let out a WOOHOO!!!
i need some fresh meat. meat that has a license and a job and isn’t a FULL-blown alcoholic. partial i could tolerate, bc, haha, let’s be honest, me likey my drinkies.
He doesn't have an existential crisis after we have really violent sex now which is nice
I ask him how he's going, like life and stuff, and he responds "20-0 pats"
I might need to come puke in your toliet on the way home
The squirrels were at the front door. Dude I swear..
I’ve chosen to watch a Mercedes station wagon drive around the Austrian in the rain because it’s live sports. If that doesn’t explain 2020, I don’t know what does.
Fuck your bullshit loser kid and his gluten allergy.
Randomize
