guess who just trotted in eating her oats and wagging her penis
So for two years my friend Mark has been building a catapult in his basement. Yesterday he realized it's too big to get it out.
You need to give me a reason immediately why he is your friend.
My dad assaulted a TSA agent this morning. Shut down airport security. Don't tell me that your family is embarrassing.
10 dollar pizza all the toppings you want. Wait Until You See This Pizza
what part of "i slept with our hot teacher" are you not excited about?!
the part where you beat me to him
fair enough.
tell me how i ended up in the movie theater alone with a bottle of smirnoff and a bendy straw.
There is a pink thong attached to a bottle of svedka hanging from my ceiling fan..is this yours?
we fucked while standing on a ladder. challenging, but worth it.
YOU RECOMMENDED ME TO THIS GIRL BECAUSE SHES A STRIPPER AND YOU KNOW MY WEAKNESS FOR STRIPPERS WITH CHILDREN.
6 beers and it feels like I've been drinking water... Daiquiri time
You said that when your ex gave you a blowjob her mouth was like velvet
Apparently it's bring your ugly annoying ass piece of shit slob of a baby day at work
You shall now refer to my vagina as patty and patty only
Just found the measuring tape in my bathroom. How drunk could I have possibly been on Saturday?!
It took me twenty minutes to read that sentence.
All I said was okay...
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