There's a show on the Discovery Channel about T-Rex sex. I think this just made my life.
I need to get a life, I am either crying at every glee episode or just wanting to blow rails off photos of us
I remember halftime. Then I woke up in Spain. I need a drink in order to process this.
Just found out my rents have been paying my siblings to cockblock me for the past 5 years
Not as covert as you thought huh?
Using a miniature baseball bat to kill a mosquito in the house may not have been the most efficient or safest way, but that thing is fucking dead. However, so are three wine glasses, a lamp, and my baseball bat privileges. Worth it.
My dad found me naked curled up under a towel on the couch with a fucking tub of butter and a spoon. Ambien Mondays are dead
"This must be what Jayden Smith feels like all the time"
My little brother came home while I was sitting there icing my vagina with a bag of peas. Asshole looks at me, high fives Ryan, then leaves.
The moment when you and your BFF compare frequently used emojis and realize you have similar mental disorders and a really weak alibi.
I'm really interested in the size of his penis so report back on that one
I have a video on my phone of someone streaking in my house last night, do you have any idea who it is?
Spencer just told me I got home and was opening beers with my teeth and trying to make pot butter
I need to start dating older women. We tried sexting and she used more emojis than actual words. It was so bad that I did the math...her messages were 54% emoji. No one should make me feel this old when I'm only 28.
Nah, we’re just sitting around talking about different kinds of boners
Want to meet at a cool spot and just park like cops side-by-side and you can eat some potatoes and I can smoke a cigarette in your face?
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