I just pulled the condom that i lost on tues out of me at work ewwww!
We went to the police station completely hammered looking for you. Don't tell me I'm not a good friend.
margarita wednesday is really going to dip into new year's eve thursday
I just found out my birth date is Pick Your Poison Day. Goodbye, conscience, forever. I was born to live like this.
we need to drink more beer. the fridge wont close.
I found him with a guitar and his kitten in his room. He was singing a song he'd titled "you're a cat". Guess what most of the lyrics were...
I am going to wait until he wakes up to set his couch on fire and then pee it out. That way he knows it was not an accident.
He visits one Denver strip club and now hes moving there
Btw. Being a stripper for a week without anyone knowing to pay off my school loan is no longer in my agenda.
I traded my pants for a Santa hat last night and it was so worth it.
The other day, he sent me a snapchat of his dick in the forest. He captioned it "nature nudes."
He must've been a bear in a previous life. My nipple is bleeding. Shit's sensitive.
His life is a porno. He snapped me while banging a girl in the back of the ambulance.
THIS IS NOT A LAUGHING MATTER, CAITLIN. MY PARENTS ARE FUCKING. LOUDLY.
Emergency thong? Check! Suspension bondage is a go!
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