First, he can't make me cum.. And now, he can't get it up because he LOVES me?!!??! i don't think so.
Problem: At home sick with a stomach virus. Solution: smoke weed all day...
An alarm set every 45 minutes saying "FATTY" and one every afternoon saying "CASPER" every day until spring break is a foolproof plan to being bikini ready
I love my roommate; her alcohol problem, her proclivity for passing out on the living room couch, and her fucking awesome size d tits that can never remain clothed. Craigslist jackpot.
He asked if I wanted a dutch rudder. 1.) Who says that? 2.) How exactly does one do that with a girl?
Uh, do you remember who's thong is in my tree?
Did my good deed for the day.. Helped an old guy hide his beer on the NJ transit while the ticket lady came by
Would a ten year old streaker be inappropriate?
That's the stuff legends are made of
I have officially tracked lube all over our house on the bottom of my socks without knowing it. Don't slip when you come in
Dude, I had to stop mid fuck. Her cat was swatting at my balls as I did her from behind. I couldve lost something.
Ugh..Yesterday was a complete alcohol fueled shit show. Not making eye contact with anyone today. Don't deserve it. Eye contact is for decent people.
Can I chase this vodka with an onion?
Fire trucks are here again. It wasn't me this time.
how should I feel if a guy kept complimenting my bangs while I was giving him a blowjob?
This weekend I was almost blinded by a cumshot to the eye, so happy Labor Day I guess
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