Dude she has a bf and shes on lockdown more than Nelson Mandela in 95
i keep forgetting that not all of my female friends are bisexual.
i'm 6 minutes and 3 drinks deep before she gets here. she's do-able for a wednesday night, but i still need to mentally prepare, ya know?
I don't think I'm emotionally ready for this blow job.
I feel like I'm full of double a batteries and cocaine.
Chick last night said she only gets off if she rubs her childhood blanket her parents gave her during sex
Some lady just walked up to me in the bar and proclaimed that I looked like a "shady motherfucker." Can't argue with that one.
Also I found and fixed my beer gun.
It's always nice when a total stranger hates your ex just as much as you think they should.
there's cocaine on the ipad again........... was your sister here last night?
I lost a shoe at the club last night, I think that's when I decided to go home.
No,she came up with a new game: "Where is the most interesting place I can show Drew my asshole?"
Need ride home. Girls. Stolen keg. Rolling down streets. Horny girls. No condoms. Rescue needed. girls and beer in exchange for rescue and bacon?
I. Hate. You. Where are you, are said girls cute, and how did you know I bought bacon? And how does this always happen to you?
Smarter than the average bear
Babe, I'm gunna be straight with you. When you act like a dick it makes me regret not fucking my manager last week.
so idk what that means but now because of me he has a police file as breaking into my apartment and sleeping in my hallway under the carpet
Randomize
