i miss you and i wish you were peeing between my legs right now. in a platonic way
I got drunk and applied for two credit cards last night. About to find out if anyone in this world is still dumb enough to give me credit.
He told me his condom was going to expire tomorrow and he needed to use it. I can't believe I fell for it.
Just got physical proof that at 6 am i was running around with raw potatoes threatening to mash them on his floor. Hello, Mobile uploads
Why were you having sex on top of my left over pizza in the kitchen?
Thanks again for allowing my sister to lose her virginity on your bed.
You're in the clear; you and Andrew did not joint fingerbang that girl on the dance floor last night.
You had your dick do your apologizing for you last night. Apology accepted.
Also my vagina isn't a crater of death where nothing comes out
Woke up this morning with a darth vader helmet and a bath robe on with my toenails shitly painted
2014 decided to stick it to me one last time. Right up the ass.
And if you put this on Facebook, I will drop live cockroaches in your mouth while you sleep and then smother you with a pillow.
You always say the most romantic things
I mean, what's the polite way to say, "sorry but I can't date you cuz I'm sleeping with your boss" ??
I haven't been drunk for four days and just realized I haven't taken a shit for three. This can't be healthy.
Which part?
I have to charm this cab driver. Hold on.
Randomize
