Ok seriously, can we bring back badminton?
Whoever had sex in my bed during the party last night left a glow in the dark condom on my floor. I'm not even mad anymore, I just want to know who it is so they can tell me where to get one.
I feel as if I owe my bloodstream some tequila.
Wait wait wait. I remember riding in her car to the next bar. On your lap. With my head on the dashboard. That probably should have been my cut off point.
She found my wedding ring, sallowed it and wished me good luck explaining it to my wife before walking out. Now what?
They're making him take his shirt off cause they think he's the bouncer. We're in his backyard.
We're having chugging races with long island ice tea, I won. To often
If I puke off the kayak tomorrow think nothing of it.
When exactly does a bender just become a lifestyle?
I legitimately thought I was gonna die getting finger banged to ja rule in the back of your car last night.
So far in the last ten minutes I have tried to pour cereal into a plate. Today's gonna be a great day.
When she asked why I felt bad I said that it may have had something to do with the gin and cold pizza I had for breakfast.... And then I reflected on what my life has become.
I just had sex on my kitchen counter. It's like the American dream
I just gargled with NyQuil
Why the fuck are you playing with legos?
Why the fuck are you questioning me?
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