I just got invited to go home with a married couple...
Her tattoo has the intellectual profundity of snakes on a plane except you can't laugh.
Vibrator and massage oils got stopped at security. Super.
I'd invite him but there's too many people who have fucked me going already
in my defence, i did try to get you to put your shirt back on, then you screamed at me to stop telling you what to do
Yes I hit her with my car. Yes I gave her a ride home. And yes she gave me her number. What's the problem?
Small children cheering my name. I am not a decent enough human being to feel comfortable with this.
I GOT JUDGED BY A GUY WORKING AT THE LEAST CLASSY STRIP CLUB. Peeing isn't a right, it's a privilege.
He told me we shouldn't hang out because it would be weird and then snap chatted me a picture of his dick
I got so many dick pics last night. It was like a slideshow from heaven.
I feel like a sex bomb and I need to go explode on somebody
I mean, he'll either figure it the fuck out or set my apartment on fire. Either way, it will be entertaining.
we're at the bar celebrating my ex bootycall getting his new gf pregnant... and me narrowly escaping a future as kitty foreman
Dude. I’m playing chess through iMessage with a stripper. What has my life become.
Nothing like an afternoon walk of shame across campus on parent's weekend. Damn.
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