Straightened my pubes. My dick looks like John Lennon fucked Gonzo.
im sorry but my first introduction to your dick isn't going to be a pic sent from the men's room
he just spelled fiance, "pheancie". I dont think he's ready to get married.
Almost accidentally stole a baby... explain later
once i realized i was actively trying to drink the beer i was sweating out of my body i knew it was time to go to bed
This santa hat i wore to the bar, served it's dual purpose as a vomit bag.
You're right. Single life welcomed me back with open arms. It's like it knew it wasnt going to be long when I left.
Im playing lifeguard in my own bathroom. How's ur night?
I feel like the devil slapped me in the face with his dick.
Birthday success
I'm sure it's not the worst thing to ever come out of my ass
You're such a good friend. You send me pictures of your boobs when I'm sad. I will always appreciate that.
I just masterbated to the home shopping channel...what have I become...
Emergency. I brought a boy home and we fell asleep, but I just woke up to him peeing against my bedroom wall. So I brought him to the bathroom but he fell over and he's sleeping in the tub. Can I leave him there? Because that's what I've done.
Better the hardwood than the carpet, right?
It's 7am. I'm sitting on the curb in last nights clothes with a nose bleed and no idea how to get home. Low moment I feel.
And you know what the worst part is? Because of him I can now relate to a goddamn Taylor Swift song. FUCK. MY. LIFE.
Randomize
