Just woke up wearing a top hat and simpsons boxers. i also found more money in my wallet then what i had before going out, about $1000 more
I wish I had a dollar for every time I've slept off a late night I dont want to remember in my recliner.
He ate me out and then left in a hurry and shouted "Sorry to dine and dash" as he left my house
The cops caught them pow wowing in the teepee at the entrance of the golf course at 5 am. But were still missing someone.
Sometimes I send them texts like "I want to make you cry and lick up your tears" just to fuck with them. And THAT is how you get rid of a Stage 5 clinger.
Just Everbombed a Guiness to make up for cutting out early last night. Also the Mars probe. Happy birthday motherfucker!
Do you think he feels stupid trying to bang girls with his small penis? I'd be embarrassed.
It's awesome, he has so much more free time now that he's not screwing other girls behind my back
I feel that my cleavage set an unattainably high bar for 2013.
I sent "Rawrrrr" to 151 matches on Tinder. I feel like thats a substantial size of the DC female population.
Hahahaha don't tempt me. Remember we're trying to avoid airport jail if possible
Judging by the ckaw marks on my back i'm gonna go out on a limb and say that blonde chick was a werewolf. A sexy, kinky werewolf.
strip teases shouldnt end with an expensive car covered in salsa and mayonnaise yet here we are
I woke up with your bra on, and some guys boxers. I'm in a random truck, in the middle of nowhere...
I resent the implication of a jizz addiction
Randomize
