Say something about gay babies.
I put my bosses number in my phone as "Do not call," I shouldve known my drunk curiosity would overcome any desire I had to keep my job.
again?
Put your dick on his face to wake him up, dont worry its fine.
I think i accidentally made vodka pancakes
I think I've officially made out with the entire starbucks staff.
By "met a doctor" I really mean "fucked a pre med student"
Me and the guy at the liquor store are on a first name basis, college is all about networking.
you were caressing the jar of pickles then you looked down and whispered to them "I want you inside me"
Yeah if I don't text back. I'm eating. sleeping. Or lifting. Or drinking. Or playing call of duty. Like shit man
I don't know what part of my sober brain thought it was a good idea to get stoned when I can barely walk with crutches as it is, but that part is stupid.
If you get me a sex toy for Christmas everyone in my family will question our relationship.
I'm a hopeless romantic with the sex drive of a married politician. IM DOOMED.
You called your ex, and talked to her for an hour about how you miss her, came back inside and asked the girl with the biggest tits if you could take a pic with your face in them and sent her the picture.
I was very impressed with his ability to carry on a conversation with his friends sitting in the front seat with his hand in my pants, getting a hand job, stoned, with a cigarette in his mouth. I think he's a keeper.
I swear to god my spidey sense only tingles when someone’s about to die or you’re being a hoe.
Randomize
