I feel like Captain Hook just gave me a pap smear.
Stop it. You sound like you're giving birth.
after everytime she pucked, she insisted on us all giving her high fives
Just turned rock'em sock'em robots with my little cousin into a drinking game. Im drinking bourbon hes drinking hot chocolate.
The iPad is going to make my porn collection SO much more glossier... thanks steve jobs.
Well, both are illegal but one involves my vagina a whole lot less.
I can't believe i facilitated a beer for sweater vest deal last night...
i looked at my phone and realized all i had said to her the entire night was misspelled variations of "NOTHING IS THE SAME" over and over. she eventually stopped replying.
I don't want to tell anyone! People who sleep with senators either end up in porn or guantanamo
Given he decided my interview was a date, showed up drunk and insisted on carrying me everywhere, we weren't off to a good start.
Are you two whores ready for me to turn the light on so you can see what you came home with last night?
there may have been a blood oath never to speak of it again...only reason i can think of as to why there was a 1 inch bloody cut on my right boob
I am so sorry for drunk texting you r kelly lyrics
He was gunna drive a half hour for a makeout sesh. Time to take the diapers off and learn about the wonders of the penis, dude
I wrote a pretty good eulogy, too. Motherfucker pastor had no sense of comedic timing.
Randomize
