i was just at lovers lane looking for gifts for a bachelorette party.....with my mom
I think my plan to not drink this week was just ruined by my mothers discovery of the chat function on facebook
This was worse than the time that I shot a bald eagle.
You passed out across the stairs with your feet and arms through the railings so you "wouldn't fall down when you blacked out and no one could get the pizza past you without waking you up". \n\nYou're the smartest drunk I know.
I elbow dropped a bag of ice to break it so we could make margaritas. I bled everywhere. Be proud.
No fireworks. Throwing the old microwave off the deck.
Im currently watching two girls making out. In the library. Hope your studying is going as good as mine is. Haha
Wrestling for my wallet turned into us almost having sex in the middle of the hallway
she's an english major so her sexts are something i look forward to
You're 34. You can't make guys wait till the third date anymore. Step it up!
Head-banging is a very stupid way to injur yourself. But this opinion is also coming from somebody who can't walk right because they cut their asshole shaving last night, so it probably has little to no merit.
I'm gonna be the best dressed mother fucker to ever get kicked out of that damn bar.
If I could I'd magically teleport drugs and alcohol to you. Like a bad decision fairy.
it was the kind of sex that I don't even know how my hair extentions are still in
When my parents ask, do you think "he was the cop I gave head to in order to get out of a speeding ticket" will suffice as to how we met?
Randomize
