It's true. Ladies love me because I'm so strong and they feel safe. Not because of my pseudo charm and their impaired judgement after several drinks...
she went home with me because she said i reminded her of paul rudd. remind me to thank him for his awkwardness
Just used the salt in the bottom of my mcdonalds bag from last night on the eggs i made this morning. Way too hungover for this
Either I'm a lot drunker than I thought, or he has three dicks....
I think I'm gonna have to go with the first one...
I walked in on you eating olive oil off of a plate. you gave me this look and I just started crying. we were that drunk.
He showed me one of his balls and said "this one's free. you'll have to work to see the other.."
he has decreed that i can sleep with anyone who has the same name as him. line up all the toms
Calling a preemptive no homo on tonight's activities
Yea I almost drowned giving a BJ in the shower once
He has blue eyes of sex and i am powerless against them
Doesn't tell me where my computer chair went but good to know
My liver is fucking rocky. Get knocked down 7 times and gets up 8. World champ
Mom kept me on a leash as a kid, did you know this?
When she went in the beer store I got to hold it.
I apparently asked the cab driver to show us his dick and then he showed me a picture of his girlfriend
Had a dream last night that we survived the apocalypse. And we celebrated Christmas.
What did I get you?
A 12 gauge and a bottle of vodka that was waist high.
Sounds about right
I really want to stop getting this drunk. I've got the Sunday scaries and it's only Saturday
Randomize
