Yeah, i think she was German or something.
No dude, she's just got a speech impediment.
help me. he won't leave me alone. he just licked my ear and he's so drunk. get him off me. we're in the closet. help.
i'm in his bathroom *freshening up* and he not only has a hairdryer... but a straightener. get me out of here... NOW
Hes a 32 yr old divorced sailor that calls me almost every night drunk begging me to call him big daddy. I think i might need to change my number.
Hi, I just found this phone under my seat at a brewers game and seeing as you're entered in as 'fillllatio' I figured I'd ask you if you know the illiterate ass who owns this phone. Thanks :)
I just wanted to say sorry for trying to jack off your dog last night.
Chicago was legit, ate some badass pizza and gave a cig to a crackhead..its all i thought it would be
All I wanted to tell you is that I fucked a guy covered in fake blood, who circumcised himself.
Lucky for you, I found your phone.....Not so lucky for you, it was in the bottom of your vomit-filled trashcan.
This theraflu would make for a great margarita.
I can make a sudafedarita
I had to smuggle a street sign attached to a 14ft long pole out of my house this morning. The list of reasons for me not to drink just keeps getting longer.
Dude what the fuck...
It was relaxing until your penis crawled in my ear.
The trick will be getting hammered before we get to the first bar
Challenge accepted
Do you always skip to "Baby Got Back" when fat girls show up at the bar?
the insurance claim form from last night says foreign object removal from genitourinary tract so as far as the insurance company knows, it could have been a gerbil
Randomize
