I dint menn to makr ut w brtendr
Wat???
U lft me at bar, no cassh for cab, may have slept with bartender
it hurts more in the daytime
My piss changed color midstream. Think that means I have a 50/50 chance of passing the test?
It's like alcoholism for beginners at my kitchen table.
i keep looking at my boobs and it just baffles me how he could give this up.
He showed up 3 hours late wearing roller skates and acted like nothing was wrong with that.
Shoot me. I need tickles, a drink, sushi and a handy
Order is debatable
i looked at my phone & had a message that said "tell your friend she needs to clean my livingroom, i dont appreciate her trying to turn it into a bubblebath." I give you probs.
Dude he was a used car salesman for his friends' penises. I know I have something here that's right for you!
He just got dropped off drinking a flask, sitting on the handlebars of a chinese delivery man's bike
Tonight's gonna be epic. Did he bring my noodles?
Realized we were outta oj used gerber graduates mixed fruit juice as a mixer. Mother of the Year award right here
Drinking hard cider in a room full of freshman girls. Never felt so secure of my manhood
I probably wouldn't
My phone autocorrected "shhhhh" to "AHHHHHHHHH" and I feel like that says a lot about my life
They have one of those claw machines here... with a dildo in it...
Sex was followed by homemade breadsticks. I waited till after the breadsticks were gone to tell her i had a gf.
Randomize
