I think id rather eat ped egg shavings.
I doubt the Taliban would support fake nipples.
Spent 30 minutes in the board meeting trying to figure out where the foul smell was coming from. Thought it was the guy's feet sitting next to me. Then i uncrossed my legs. Turns out it was my vagina. Thank goodness for travel size febreeeze.
Everytime I sleep with him he gives me another hint to what his tattoo means. I'm like a slutty Nancy Drew.
$1 margaritas. This happy hour needs to end.
He yelled out my full name in bed...I felt like I was being scolded.
this is worse than the time i threw up a condom.
You want to get day drunk this afternoon and watch these guys build a house across the street?
So I was bartending last night and this guy w/ his gf said that he recognized me, so I asked him, "do you watch a lot of gay porn?"
We fucked so hard and loud that the everyone at the party downstairs starting chanting his name. Oh I we broke a lamp.
You woke us up at 9:15 am still in your toga from last night saying "welcome to my house party...party". You had already filled up the pong cups with yaager/fireball and ordered a chicken platter... Who even delivered that that early???
Woke up this morning to a bunch of snapchats of you drunkenly yelling at grasshoppers. Good night?
Don't get mad but There's blood everywhere and the only thing I remember is the bj from your cousin.
after the ketamine those signs on the bathroom door had little meaning to us
My younger brother asked me "to stop fucking his girlfriends older sisters"
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