omg! a creepy truck driver just made a frog puppet wave at me!!!
After he finished I threw up my arms and shouted STEVE HOLT!
Goddamn it, are you fucking her sister?
did you know it's going to storm tonight?
You bitch. At least tell Laura she's a better kisser.
just woke up to a 10 min voicemail of you singing "99 red ballons".... you need to work on your german..
yeah but it's new years. they should arrest people for being sober that day.
Just got a event reminder on my phone to never party with you again.
The sun is gonna brush it's hairy dick across my forehead in the morning, gently whispering: "you're 4 hours late for work"
took some adderal to make my alochol withdrawl less shitty. now im just concentrating on how badly i need a drink
I used to put Bugles on my penis and pretend it was a wizard.
Whats your number? 5 or more?
Cinco. It sounds smaller in Spanish.
If I don't quit picking up guys when I'm drunk, I'm going to need a vagina transplant.
Also, what day were you thinkin we should trip balls at the children's museum?
I feel like I should have held a press conference. The state of my vagina
Stumbled out of my bed this morning into the bathroom at 8 am still drunk, obviously. The Mormon on my floor was in the bathroom. I could practically hear her doing hail marys for me.
I told him he looked like my uncle.
Why would you say that in a bathtub?
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