i just thanked the atm machine for giving me cash
I hope you had to get up out of bed and walk across your room to check this text message
Girls are like M&M's, once the lights go out you can't tell the difference.
I just got wrote up for "repeatedly smelling like alcohol"
That was long passed due.
I am stoned and watching Pocahontas. I am letting the kids eat whatever they want. I am the best babysitter in the whole wide world
She said her tits were too big, and he slapped her. He said that Jesus didn't appreciate bitches that fish for compliments
we had to stop you from eating moldy cake.. twice.
Virginity is like the pottery barn-you break it, you bought it.
Thanks....I've always wanted my vagina compared to an overpriced coffee table
YOU'RE CHANGING THE SUBJECT. I CAN BLOW SOMETHING UP OR I CAN TELL HIM YOU LOVE HIM, BUT ONE OF THE TWO IS BOUND TO HAPPEN
Had a crazy moment last night. Had to get up, run to bathroom, pop 3 Xanax, sit on bathroom floor and rock myself in fetal position. Not my best moment.
my confident boosted when he told me that it was I who started making out with him. ME. NOT HIM.
I AM SHOCKED AND PROUD OF MYSELF
So I told him "To answer your question yes I am naked making pizza pops in your kitchen"
so the casino kicked my ass last night, i'm pretty sure i hit a new level of hungover....just showered with my sunglasses on because the bathroom light is too bright
We have such a parasitic relationship. But the kind where the parasite benefits from the relationship. Like the pilot fish and a shark. The fish gets the leftover food scraps from the shark and the shark gets a free bath from it.
that's so insightful.
were you aware we were supposed to be taking care of her hamster this weekend?
Randomize
