I bet i've been more pregnant than you.
you went through ur friends list and posted an obscene comment on every ultrasound pic...."not his" "looks like a sea monkey"
please stop referring to my baby as "your little fucker"
Girl farted next to me in class and then denied my high five
well i had to explain to their mom why the kids i babysit for won't stop repeating the phrase "nice juicy guido"
Retelling stories from our semester makes me realize we need to get tested for herpes.
and being hungover still at 4 in the afternoon is NOT "having allergies"
I'll have you know that I'm still picking duct tape residue off my wrist from sunday
I'm not trying to alarm you guys, but I think I just swallowed a ketchup packet.
In other more interesting news I'm going to arrange a surprise orgy. You in?
No one is allowed to go to bed until all bottles are finished, I don't want to feel my face tongiht. Do you understand?
He is what would appear if the douche troop all had rings and we summoned someone like the Captain Planet kids.
First week is awesome. Freshman girls prancing around everywhere like newborn baby deer looking for a dick to jump on
I was sitting down, taking a piss with a boner, her cat walked into the bathroom and walked up to my legs, I sneezed and pissed all over her cat through between the toilet seat and bowl, it ran off screeching. She thought I peed on her cat on purpose. Kicked me out
I will fuck anyone who brings me mcdonalds right now
Randomize
