Honey, If i waited till marriage I wouldnt know what a dick tasted like.
dude i just heard a girl tell another girl 'what part of im trying to get laid tonight dont u understand?'
needless to say i wont be back home tonight
don't ever try to run hungover. just puked mid-run in front of an old couple that were going for a walk. they were horrified.
Maybe she got knocked up by accident. I still refuse to believe that anyone actually INTENTIONALLY gets pregnant.
because whats more american than sleeping with a westpoint cadet on the 4th of july?
please dont make me drink to the titanic soundtrack
just had a very awkward conversation with the concierge at the hotel, they threw your underwear out
i know you're at the dentist, but this dick pic was too phenominal to wait and i deserve immediate tit compensation
The notification you get from snapchat that someone took a screenie is like a formal declaration of blackmail.
Do you understand how hard it is to go down on a guy underwater? Didn't think so....
I fucked him while wearing his hat. I love the navy
How long until you're healed?
Physically? A week or so. Emotionally? The scars of dislocating my knee at a frat and flashing my panties to the whole crowd wi never heal.
I'm sharing a breakfast burrito w my uber driver
i ate pretzels. i might be the first human to be hospitalized from pretzels. that's how bad this is.
Dude I left his house at 5:30 a.m. after you peed on his front door and then tried to fight me for my blanket. Don't even do that at my house or I will end you.
hahahahaha. Worst. Text. Ever.
Randomize
