some girl just asked me how to spell unconscious. I really want to know what she was texting.
I wish we never smoked. I'm literally laying in bed opening and closing my eyes, just hoping a hot dog stand will appear in the room.
His penis will pick the quickest route to vagina. it's like an biological onstar.
The penis is a tricky weapon to use. When using it as leverage you have to make it seem emotional. I'd rather use it as a club sometimes.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
Im about to get a baby alligator stoned, what are you doing with your life?
HI MARY. THERE IS A RAINBOW AT OUR APARTMENT
i would have fingered myself to death by now but the dog wont stop staring at me
My cell phone fell out of my shirt pocket while tying my shoe on an escalator....which was followed by me being accused of trying to sneak an upskirt photo and being violently shoved down the top of the escalator. How's YOUR day?
you know i have almost 1500 fb friends but not ONE drunk booty call?
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
I had to break it to her that she was not in fact behind the bushes when she peed on the church last night
Ive done some fucked up shit, but last night was the first I have Poured milk on anothers mans face in the shower.
you told the taxi driver your yeast infection was so bad you wanted to F a popsicle
Did you see her happy birthday to emily on facebook? The gist of it is like: hey emily you almost died at birth im glad you didn't. love mom.
I'm sitting here drinking whisky and listening to The Wiggles, I don't need a social life
Did you clean my apartment?
I thought it was a dream, I'm sorry
Please stay more often
Randomize