Her best guy friend really had a thing for her all along.... Now we're back together and he's gone Dawson's Creek with his away messages.
We decided that the paper cups disintegrating was god's way of telling us we had had enough
I was just informed that you are the reason for my 2 missing front teeth.
I feel like I need to get a restraining order against him but I'd probably be the one to break it.
Her next conquest seems to be stealing her ex-boyfriend's new girlfriend. Pretty sure everyone involved is totally OK with this.
So I almost just died there. And we need a new garage door.
Dude. Where are you? There's a hot chick drunkenly dancing on the bar and aggressively taking shots to Pink songs. She looks like she needs a rebound. Get. Here. Now.
FUCK NYC TRAFFIC.
He had a drawn-on fu manchu and now my vagina has one too.
reason #326 why I'm still single.... my date just told me there's a little boy ghost that lives in his closet because he likes his music.
I bet you there is porn for people who get off on someone rubbing Chipotle on themselves
I woke up on the green space outside our dorm cradling a watermelon and sucking my thumb. College is crazy man.
I've made a new rule for socializing in the winter: if it doesn't involve me orgasming or getting drunk I can't make it
I just do things that aren't classy the classy way.
She shaved her vagina in my bed. Good night
I ripped ass in on and around her face during a hard 69. I don't think she'll ever call me again.
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