Having kids is risky. They might end up weird.
Todays lesson: Chew your food better when your drunk. I almost choked throwing up this morning.
just watched her puke in her purse and put it back on the bar. then half hour later put her hand in her bag to get a pen to give me her number. I bet she is game for anything
My fucking roommate unpluged my alarm; I pissed on his clean clothes.
I feel like that needs to be the last time i end a text with "fuck them i love tequila".
It'll just be like "PENIS HERE". In case you get lost.
I just saw a black chick with an eyepatch. This is a once in a lifetime opportunity.
anyone who texts me today gets a complimentary picture of my mangled foot. starting with you.
ewwwww wtf when you left last night you were fine?
Themes for tonight: men who look like bill Gates but sing smash mouth songs. Women who's names are also food. Haircuts that DO NOT cover bald spots.
Ugh... The hoe gods giveth and the hoe gods taketh away.
If y'all wanna know how far the apple fell from the tree I'm sexting during Easter service. Mom would be so proud 😳
i can believe you didnt get any, i was wing-girling the shit out of him
all you did was repeatedly scream GET IT IN
Did I turn a man straight...??
Yes!
I just had a 30-minute convo with an irrelevant fuckboy from college who decided to tell me FOUR years later he’s sorry for sleeping with 3 girls at once including me.
I just punched myself in the vagina to prove a point. Please pray for me.
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