Come to the Burger King. We're waiting for you.
Is it necrophilia if we're both dead?
Do you realize that we tried to rent a limo at 5am to come and take us to waffle house?
I tried ok? my penis just doesnt like her as much as my mother does
I think misery doesn't even think of me as company anymore. I'm an unofficial roommate.
no guy is ever going to take you seriously as a potential marriage prospect unless you learn to swallow
As I was leaving the drunk tank the cop told me he had a feeling we would be meeting again real soon.
the australian girl literally just drank an entire pitcher of beer in about twenty seconds. i want to go to there.
Correct me if I'm wrong here... but did we serenade each others breasts to "winds of change" last night?
Drunk Tina signed up to be part of the crew team and got a text from the captain telling her there's practice tomorrow. Wtf
Somewhere between the 30 minutes of cunnilingus, the improvised song about the Olympics, and the super thoughtful shower beer... I knew I married the right guy
He reached a whole new level of creepy. We were getting a coffee and he noticed the girl at Starbucks name tag looked her up on fb and friend requested her right there without ever introducing himself
I shouldn't be drunk at 3 pm but alas, here we are...
All right well I’m making her sugar cookies and sleeping with her husband tonight. Just another manic Monday
This town reeks of teen pregnancy.
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