In the car with my brother. His CD went from 2pac to Taylor Swift. I'm concerned. It wasn't a mistake, he knows all the words.
So how was awkward coffee with forgets-your-name?
her tits were misleading. turns out she wasn't cool, smart and funny
The handjob she gave me was better than the best blowjob I've ever gotten.. Just imagine the possibilities.
You asked my mom "who the fuck drives four hours to sleep in a guys bed and not touch his penis"
As long as he sees me topless I don't care. Redemption. REEEDDDEMMMPPPTTIIIOOONNNNN
WHAT? When did I ever refer to one of my past hookups as "the rainforest guy"?
SARAH B AND I ARE GOING TO GO HALFSIES AND BUY YOU A CAT. IS THAT OKAY. TO KEEP YOU COMPANY DURING THUNDERSTORMS SUCH AS THIS ONE. ITS BECAUSE WE LOVE YOU.
Rule #127: If your going to try fuck a married guy, you gotta be hotter then his wife; diet starts today.
I'm assuming the reason my elbow is so sore has something to do with all the broken shot glasses eh?
Yep
I'm petting the cat while shitting. This is all I ever wanted
"you can only have my number if you answer all the questions on this trivial pursuit card correctly"
we managed to melt a few different forms of plastic into the cannibutter....
Shia LaBeouf arrested in austin for public intoxication. JUST DO IT
You ever fart so bad at work that you think about taking a sick day just to spare your coworkers from the savage olfactory beating they are about to receive?
Randomize
