god i wish i could take a shit and a shower at the same time
Why don't I have your new number? And who have I been texting?
I wish I could tape me & him having sex. Not for pornographic reasons, just for comic relief.
just passed out while on hold to see if i left my debit card at the bar last night.
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See, thats where im at with my life, welcome to the slut yaht we will be cruising comfortably all summer at an extremely drunken relaxing pace S.S. Slut Bucket
It's not a good hook up if during you're thinking "how will this damage me psychologically"
I have a callous on the palm of my hand just below my ring finger that is entirely from opening so many beer bottles. I'm strangely proud right now.
He had "Bad Bitches Only" tattooed above his dick. I don't know his name but I hope I find him again. I also don't feel that I lived up to the challenge.
He left his phone. Turns out he;s been sexting with some girls who can't spell. Time to break out the herpes scare.
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So hungover. I dropped my keys and leaning over seemed a terrible idea. Instead I took my shoe off in the middle of the street and use my toes to pick them up. Think I'm a genius.
STOP WHATEVER YOU ARE DOING AND GO OUTSIDE RIGHT NOW. THE MOON LOOKS LIKE CATWOMAN
Fool me once shame on you. Fool me twice and I'm the idiot missing half an eyebrow again.
I probably won't go. Last time I got drunk with those guys I just started demanding people let me touch their beards.Then I mocked everyone who didn't have facial hair.
It all started with sending him a text about Spongebob. It escalated from there.
While we were doing it he looked up at me and said "Does your husband fuck you this good?" Talk about a mood killer....
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