This guy sitting next to me just bought a plot of land off the internet. On a whim. In the middle of class
Where did you get a picture of my penis
after we had sex last night he told me he smelled like my vagina. and then he said that if his roommate had a vagina he would probably smell like it. because "they hug weird and shit."
my neighbors garage sale is really cutting into the time of day when i can smoke weed on my deck.
today's workout consisted of me putting my fake in my sports bra and running to the liquor store.
And the best part is I don't remember putting the condom in my pocket! Angels officially exist
So apparently the bar gave out free condoms, which I now have a pocket full of. Why is drunk me shoving the fact that I'm single and not getting laid in sober me's face...
I'm going out with a guy whose nickname is Shark Week cause he'll eat anyone. I'm very excited.
It's ok. I will share any beautiful men that I drug and leave unconscious on my bed. I'm that kind of friend.
In the wise words of Scar: "be prepared."
Do you think Scar was a Boy Scout?
If someone told me one person in the department was secretly a death eater, I would suspect her, no contest.
Just put me in your contacts as coyote
We found out if you get Ben high but stay sober yourself he is an AWESOME cook. You need to get your ass down here, this goes against everything I know to be real.
Nothing like sitting at your midterm pissed at yourself because you put your graphing calculator batteries in your vibrator and forgot to put them back in before the exam 😑
Drinking at 10 in the morning and swimming might not be the best idea I've ever had but it beats working
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