we tried have sex after i gave him a handjob. he wouldnt get hard and kept saying his little boy is broken.. please come get me
Do you think she's aware of my deep hatred or should I set her hair on fire in her sleep?
She clogged the toilet and got it out with a seven eleven bag. I tried to tell her no but she was convinced that was the logical thing to do.
I still don't understand how I went from crying to blowing you in like two minutes.
Well obviously when I get drunk my intelligence level surpasses yours and that's why you can't understand me.
I literally have a bandage on my dick that's how bad she is at handjobs
He was in the middle of making out with two girls at once, but then the guy next to me said "I feel like I'm watching Animal Planet" he stopped to give him a high five
You know you're in the hamptons when it's 10pm And you kind of want to vomit white wine on rug that costs more than your apartment.
My life is a video game called get the drunk princess back to her castle, thank you to all that participated
I was like, booze is the closest thing I have to a father. Don't pour daddy down the sink
sexting while watching Peter Pan the Musical! something just doesn't seem right here
He just stopped me mid blow job so he could text his wife asking for TacoBell.
He’s actually a personal trainer. He said he hasn’t taught yoga in a while but the stripper prefers to introduce him as a yoga teacher
He wouldn’t know a good thing if it bit him on the ass. Which, btw, I did.
I got kicked out of the E.R. for saying "balls".
Randomize
