I can't lisssten to Lou Holtzsss ssspeak anymore
imagine if the morning after your status automatically updated with the name of the person you hooked up with
Whenever I said your name you screamed polo and did another shot.
so all the bums hang out by my new store, they have a leader we call king bum... He got dethroned by police today for choking out a hooker. The bum heirarchy is in shambles right now.
Blowjobs in the shower are a lot like blowjobs not in the shower. Awesome.
Watching Fresh Prince at 9am with a beer in hand and he just said to Uncle Phil "Sometimes I worry that I'll never get my life together." I feel like that was a sign from above or something
I got a Luke Skywalker costume so I can go do battle with the homeless guy who plays the fiddle dressed as Darth Vader downtown.
they're both coked to the gills having a shouting match about the powers and abilities of godzilla. and using the wikipedia entry on the topic to support their respective arguments.
I hope we all get so wasted that we ride the cows again
Drunkenly making hamburger helper. I just whispered "I can't wait to have you in my mouth."
Sent him a snap chat of him eating me out so he can relive the moment.
if i don't get grease into my system pronto i will undoubtedly die
"Let's do body shots off the freshmen" is officially the worst thing I've ever said.
Just shared a bacon biscuit with my cat.... Life is weird for me right now
Sorry, Geoff can’t come to his phone right now. He’s outside trying to show his dick to a bachelorette party bus with “DTF” written on the windows
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