I have a voicemail from Mike at 1am. He starts to say something, but then throws up instead.
My parents foreign exchange student just walked in on me whacking off. Welcome to America :)
I'm more picky about my flip flops than the guys I sleep with
He set 8 alarms to make sure I took my birth control on time..
Nothing like a little anal leakage to start off Sunday morning. Can't decide if that speaks well of my weekend or not...
Do you think it would be a good idea to mention in my admissions essay that I was the guy that streaked across the soccer field last year?
I have minimal recognition and a lot of burns on my tongue and my vagina hurts.
I think it's our patriotic duty to get high and watch the state of the union tonight
I have three paper towels stuck up my vagina. This is not a time to be calm.
We defiantly won best dressed in the ER tonight
i look like a southern belle. however, i am around a million kegs. so i will be a southern shitshow.
What part of I'm done do you not understand? Im not going to send you sex photos to prove I've moved on..
well i mean she can't stop a weed based friendship...its like a trying to stop a bomb or a really fast train...
I need a drink and a shade of lipstick that will put the fear of God in a man's heart.
WHY WOULD YOU SWIPE RIGHT???!!!!!
The same reason I ordered and ate almost an entire pizza last night
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