i dont have any money that hasnt already been designated for cigarettes and birth control
I think we were cool up until the point where he saw that planned parenthood was on my speed dial.
His shirt was in the kitchen sink this morning, I'm pretty sure my roommates know.
just mention it in a side comment sometime today... like oh by the way i have a daughter but um yeah my day was good
She hadn't heard about the oil spill. She gave dumb blondes a whole new standard to aim for. I did her anyway...but that isn't the point.
Saddest moment ever is discovering when your cat no longer wants to get high with you.
I feel like my teeth are caked on with other teeth. What did I just smoke?
I have a cat, a bottle of wine, and a Brazilian man. I need to catch you up on my life
If you already knew specifically that I was smoking a bowl in my remodeled bathroom AND THEN still wanted to initiate sexting, please proceed to the altar and marry me this instant.
I just said "okay we have 20 minutes to get each other off, ready... Set... Go!" and he picked me up and threw me on the bed. I almost came just from that.
The 78 year old woman who works next to me divorced her ex husband, remarried her first husband, and retired all in one day. I'd say it makes your breakup on Valentine's day pretty insignificant.
Pretty sure my idea of standards went out the window when I hooked up with a guy who had a rooster tattoo with an arrow pointing down to his no no bits. Think about it.
Seriously??? You send me boob shots with your husband and kids in them???
Apparently karate chopping the fronts off all the paper towel and soap dispensers in the bathrooms isn't even frowned upon. Like even at the third bar when I fell flat on my back trying to jump kick the last one some guy just helped me up and high fived me. America.
I'm sorry I crashed your motorcycle and watched you get robbed from a rooftop. Will you please come back or at least drop off my shoes?
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