Life lesson: Don't ever put your penis in a crazy girl. Especially if she's married. And has a kid.
so just incase you wake up on the couch wondering how you got there--you came home at 7am, put ice in a cup--then you proceeded to put the cup in the microwave and melt it because you "wanted water". you then, fell down the stairs while saying "you don't know me" then crawled to the couch.
woke up naked, gf gone. There is a cup of change in the fridge, a bird in the bathroom, and odie is drawn on my ceiling. I live in a non sequitur
How much would it be to rent out Gus Johnson so he can announce our flip cup games?
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If you go to the bathroom don't ask why there's diet coke on the toilet. Loller copter. Blow is fun.
Just got back from fathers day breakfast. So hungover i couldn't eat so i just slipped my food in my pockets and threw it out while i puked in the bathroom.
I fell asleep in my underwear on the deck. What the fuck.
This was the best text I've ever woken up to
I'm not sure New Orleans is real. Even the grocery stores sell vodka.
The girl I was Skype sexing just asked for a moment of silence for robin Williams.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
*tries to be fun and flirty* *literally gets peed on*
Naked. Naked is my favorite color.
I'm telling you, I 'm beginning to think that my vagina is magical.
i just sexted for my mom while she was driving, i have hit an all time low.
I'm classy like audry Hepburn. Chugging wine out of the bottle on the way to the club. Shed do that. I know she would.
Nothing like having a family watch you dry heave at the end of the dock
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