Thank God for loud music. There is a circus in my butt right now.
Drinking at work by myself... My boss just walked into me copying my face on the copy machine..
Nothing says I have a hang over like telling your boss to "eat your shit"
Is it bad that John just came to my work to have sex with me bc I felt bad that he slept on his porch last night locked out and I missed all his calls?
She hadn't heard about the oil spill. She gave dumb blondes a whole new standard to aim for. I did her anyway...but that isn't the point.
I five year old is judging me because I just opened a bottle of Sam Adams with my teeth before 8am
If I ever die and svu has to come to my murder scene make sure they know I don't wear underwear always so it might not be as bad as they think
Ill give you a 4 hour blow job if you make my nephew go to bed.
Giving my coworkers lap dances cuz it was my turn to decide our team bonding exercise. Go happy hour!
I look like a bag of dicks so if you could ugly yourself up that'd be great.
My heart feels like a grape in a barrel about to be crushed into wine
It is a fiery spray of napalm-covered beautiful words that leave a flaming "fuck you" on the ground after I destroy him.
I was going down on her and she started whistling "Whistle while you work." I'm in love.
my new years resolution to eat more toast and mastrubate more often is going well so far.
Apparently I had 2 bloody noses and after my sis put me to bed at the hotel, I escaped and my sister's friend found me in an elevator with some guy
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