he woke me up at 3 am to ask me where my plunger, a towel, and staples were. i'm afraid to go into my bathroom.
Just found my toeprints on the glass of his sunroof.
Would it help you get over me if I told you that I had unprotected sex last night?
Only if you bring Listerine. I can't come home to my husband from a bachelorette party with spermbreath again.
Theres was an instant understanding between us being drunk on the trampoline at four in the morning and the people walking down the road at the same time
just got home. some guy on my porch is tryin to show me his balls. no more parties at my apartment.
The bartender said he wanted to turn you gay, and we got free shots the rest of the night
Also, if you all get arrested i'm coming to laugh at you because i don't have the money for bail.
Please don't smoke the bong in the bathroom while you shit. It is not a shitting bong.
Does the room smell any better?
Yeah, i sprayed perfume. It smells like Victoria's Secret, if Victoria's secret was that she was homeless.
I have visions of guys in cheetah costumes with suits over it pissing on a children how are you
I'm committing myself to dance. Also, I'm unsure if you said space party sounded lame because dude was old, but I hope you're over it because I love space, and I love David Bowie and I love to dance, and you need to embrace this with me.
I'll be perfectly honest; there are times other guys have consented to have sex with me because of my punctuation.
Just found a note on the bed that said "Dear mittens, had to leave early I'll be back soon."
WTF? Are you mittens?
Grandpa just whipped it out and started pissing on the way to the game stuck in traffic. I saw EVERYTHING. :(
Randomize
