I need to find out who his wife is so I can fuck her before he gets to mine.
Just saw some guy walking down the street rapping about various types of pasta.
I had one margarita and got the worst headache of my life... its like my liver has senior week ptsd
I went golfing for the first time today!! Aren't you proud?
Driving a golf cart around all day with a keg attatched to the back doesn't exactly count as golfing
What hospital were we in last night? Insurance needs to know
Not complaining, but why is there a Russian chick downstairs making latkes?
If turning my entire backyard into a slip-n-slide is wrong then I don't wanna be right
How is it possible that I am in a completely different city, and there are 2 dudes here that I've banged? How????
I tried to talk to him, but he didn't recognize me at first. I had to show him the top of my head and then he remembered.
I just remembered you petting my nose last night to help the cocaine 'sink in'. I don't think that's how it works
The moment I was petting the giraffe was the moment I passed out
I'm just sitting here drunk and eating peas because my life sucks
I woke up completely naked in a mint condition 71 chevelle in someones garage. What.
Well I had to have sex with him so he would buy me plan b. The fact that I had sex with someone else last night who couldn't afford it is irrelevant.
Finding my pants in the morning should not make me this proud
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