Have fun fixing the bed from last night Bob Villa.
At least you didn't call me Brittany this time
i went to disney world today with my friends, met snow white, then saw her later at a bar. she is naked next to me in her bed, passwed out. when you wish upon a star...
she made me cover her fishbowl with my shirt because she "didn't want to corrupt it."
he asked me if i had ever jacked off high and then referred to it as a "man-to-man question"
Drinking Grey Goose on the toilet. Don't make me graduate.
Her boobs were tiny. I could have used her bra as a blind fold. Which in hindsight would have made things a lot better.
is it bad that listening to the rabbi's wife talk about how we should only be with one person is making me really, really horny for no string attached sex
I kno. She bruised her chin trying to swim thru the hardwood floor.
They are currently going door-to-door asking the neighbors to donate money for Cheez-Its and gift wrap. They asked me to stay back at the house to make another pitcher of margaritas.
I'm sorry. I know you didn't expect me to be arm deep in vagina when you walked through the door.
My mom and dad are smoking a joint while lecturing me on what to bring and how to act in Europe. I'll finish this glass of wine and head over.
I just threw up again because I opened my eyes... God is laughing. I resorted to taking the Mexican Dramamine because I feel seasick from walking. Not helping.
Liquor doesn't fix sad, but it sure as hell lowers my standards for a rebound.
I tried to smoke out of half a banana, and lit my nose hair on fire. So I feel like that sums up my life pretty well.
You spilt a drink on my couch, then used my dog to mop it up... you called her a mop dog, repeatedly
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