I think I'm going to wait until after Halloween to call off the wedding. No need to ruin my favorite holiday.
Chasing shots by shotgunning beers is not a good idea.
he was wearing ninja turtle pajamas and he STILL got laid. who the fuck is this guy?!
it was really awkward meeting your mom for the first time while i was still wearing the condom we were using.
He looks like he got hit by a weed-eater with chlamydia
If the world would stop letting me feel invincible I would probably stop doing this shit.
He's carved the words "SLAM STATION" into his headboard...
I hope you get some kind or rare disease that makes your dick ties itself in a knot for fucking her you lucky bastard.
when I die covered in cocaine, hookers, and tequila at 73 years old just remember that I once had a tweet with that many retweets
I gotta give him props though, I've never been propositioned for sex via flash mob.
I have his gate key so know he has to see me again.
Am I under any obligation to let my new fuck buddy know I slept with his little sister?
she said she was so hungover this morning in a way that sounded like she was apologizing for thinking she was attracted to me last night...
She won't let me meet her hot new boy toy just because she thinks it'll lead to us having a threesome. It's not fair. I thought we were friends...
I need you to get the emergency bail money out if the stuffed panda and go to the police station tot bail me out. I should be there in 20 minutes.
Randomize
