It was weird to see you drinking wine out a glass instead of a red cup today
His little brother walked in on us. Six times.
only 75% of american men are circumcised...i guess this was bound to happen to me someday.
My broken door handle makes it really inconvient for when i need to puke at red lights.
Just don't have "pin the tail on the straight edge" as a party game... Please and thanks...
Oh my god I peed in a park last night and then tried to set off fireworks with a group of middle-aged men
Pretty sure I asked the person at the pharmacy counter in Walgreens to marry me last night. But also remember Rachel Maddow crawling through the TV screen, so my memory might be a bit compromised...
the old man that you threw the shoe at says "hi" and many rude words...
Excuse me while I download incredibly disturbing porn until I'm more ashamed of myself than of my country.
Well I was thinking of taking him out for drinks then lecturing him about his drinking... kind of like an open minded intervention
dude I don't even care if I'm getting catfished the point is I'm going to get laid. hot bitch, fat bitch, skanky bitch, i don't care my penis is having an adventure tonight regardless
I'm glad you enjoyed the night but why were you calling me "daddy"?
I think I just found my soul mate...he's wearing a zebra striped onesie and is into Michael Jackson...I'll explain in the morning.
Getting paid in weed to watch a pregnant adult with cooking skills is the TITS
At Target. Everyone is stocking up on food and flashlights for this storm. I stocked up on beer. Dont judge me, it was on sale...
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