How drunk are you??
I'm flawless.
it sounds like her vocal chords are covered in pudding and rocks. come get me.
do you want me to make hamburgers?
i'm vegan
i'll put lettuce on them
So he asked me last night if I would cheer him on while he masturbated...
so let's talk penis.
stumble upon led me to how to make wine in prison, followed by wedding dresses. it knows my life too well
One blow job doesn not make me gay.
Naked Twister starts at high noon
I just want a guy that likes cats and is willing to get a vasectomy. IS THAT SO MUCH TO ASK?!
I will cut you
Oddly enough thats the second time today someones said that to me
Put that in perspective
FUCK BUDDYS DON'T HOLD HANDS. NO EXCEPTIONS.
I got us chalkboard mugs. Now whoever comes home with us can feel comfortable in the morning! I am too considerate to my one-night stands...
Some girls wake up to good morning texts. I wake up to pictures of an angry Shrek getting a blowjob.
Uber southern baptist grandma and uber flaming cousin just got into an argument about whether jesus is OK with gay marriage. Aren't these things only supposed to happen at Thanksgiving?
Just cuz you've got the biggest dick I've ever seen doesn't mean u can wake me up at 2 am
Randomize
