four days late. damn you, makeup sex. you win again.
nutella sex= disaster
Where does it all go? I've busted inside of you like 10 times in the last week.
oh my god. i just found my camera... on top of the bush outside of my house. never let me drink everclear again
Swear. I think after passing out in a community college parking lot I can safely nominate myself for the piece of shit of the year award
On the bright side I got 500 American Express points paying for the abortion
Who would we be if we didn't go out to drink during finals week? NOBODY
I'm bringing vagina and cookies. You'll be fine.
dude I don't even care if I'm getting catfished the point is I'm going to get laid. hot bitch, fat bitch, skanky bitch, i don't care my penis is having an adventure tonight regardless
Also, my old intern Lizzie whom you fed pizza to last night wants to hang out with you
Welp... sober this am and I still have a parrot.
He stole me a cantaloupe and we drunkenly broke into a park and ate it on a bench with my pocket knife. I think i need to marry him
Maybe if I ever do become a counselor, I would just implement a kind of intensive meme therapy.
Hey, before I head out, whats your policy on casual drug use and one night stands?
Just saw the cop you hooked up with over break. He’s def hotter in uniform.
Tell him to stop shaving his pubes. #Notmyjam
Randomize
