just woke up and my boobs have "fun police" written on them
Blew in her face. She is Pissed. Yahtzee. As she brushes her teeth.
if pee wee herman would have taken a snuggie to the movies he wouldnt have gotten caught
I woke up naked, with 10 visible bite marks and a black eye. I'm just going to assume that it was a good night.
That's why I don't chug things. Because when I was a freshman in college tequila came out my nose.
im starting to recognize places in this city by where i have drunkenly peed in public
I made a bet with her that she would show me her tits if I finished my beer. Only on spring break.
Think of it this way, instead of a puppy, we're getting a baby.
She slapped me in the face with a McDouble. Just threw it right at my face while I was driving... That is why we can't bring her out in public.
You kept going up to guys in plaid and screaming "are you a lumberjack" in their faces
We fucked through the entire Destiny's Child album, it was a beautiful thing.
i'll fuck you during the next apocalypse. promise
Woke up this morning with a darth vader helmet and a bath robe on with my toenails shitly painted
He wore pink swim trunks on our date and repeatedly insulted my profession, but his cat kept standing up like a person to nuzzle my face and I felt like a Disney Princess. I hate this dude, but the cat is too amazing for me to not fake interest for.
I'll be wearing lingerie and holding a bottle of bourbon so pick up whatever food you think goes with that
Randomize
