i just walked with a girl who was carrying a chair down the street. apparently she got mad at the bartender and took the bar stool when she left.
This is why I shouldn't be left alone with liquor and anticipation.
Plus she can make a mean sandwich! That's all I really need. Well that and foot jobs...
I'd like to personally thank you for not letting anyone puke in any of the salad bowls this time
My vagina would be awesome. I would be the most popular girl in the village.
Someone took a picture of their balls on my phone last night. BEAUTIFUL PACKAGE. I will find this man.
she's drunk at 2 in the afternoon again. at least my mother is predictable.
In times of desperation, never...NEVER put green apple scented hand sanitizer on your vagina.
I'll miss you, too. On the bright side, a night away from one another might give me a chance to recup seminal fluids.
True friendship: When you can hold your best friend's hair and still eat your Stromboli at the same time.
I have a bunch of bug bites on my ass... This is why you don't have sex against a tree in the woods
Everything isn’t always sunshine & rainbows. Sometimes there’s tequila.
God I need to hump something, right now.
Just filed for child support I hope he gets the paperwork on Father's Day
A guy just threw up in my lecture of 500 ppl and just got up and walked away
Randomize
