I love hooters. This dumb bartender is saying how coffee dehydrates you so that's why she sometimes just eats the coffee grinds wake up.
three words: i give head
three words: not that well
you got so mad from losing a game of beerpong that you went into another room by yourself and practiced for an hour and a half.
I cut you off after you tried to do a shot out of a neti pot, down your nose.
explains the nose bleeds.
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Anne I just took two ambiens. I think my body is melting into my blow up bed. Like a stick of butter just slowly melting. And I'm alright. Don't be afraid. I'll be alright.
He made me write my name on his wall in crayon so he'd be able to remember it in the morning
My doctor was like "I think adderall is a great choice. It'll definitely benefit you and you say you've taken it before so you'll be fine!" \nAnd I was like "yeah bro, totally"
She left a blunt and poutine on my nightstand with a note saying "went to the gym. be ready for round three when I get back" I love Canadian chicks
And on the first day of my adult job, I matched with one of my co workers on tinder...
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I should have known when she said it would be "fun" we'd end up in the hospital
I tried to cut you?! I'm sorry! PS where's my hair?
Apparently karate chopping the fronts off all the paper towel and soap dispensers in the bathrooms isn't even frowned upon. Like even at the third bar when I fell flat on my back trying to jump kick the last one some guy just helped me up and high fived me. America.
I may or may not have just had sex in the bed of a pick-up at a drive-in movie theater.
Kay so its 9 am whose dumbass is gunna act sober to buy pizza rolls
Dude you promised
She calls him the walking dildo to his face. That relationship is already fucked up.
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