I think she just tried to waterboard me with her vagina.
and i forgot to tell you that my armpit hair is now completely grown back. man i love winter.
It's like Facebook knows when I'm about to masturbate and tells me to reconnect with exes.
i asked why he had a giant piece of popcorn duct taped to his head and he said "No, it's actually part of my neck." so no, i didn't fuck him.
her tits were misleading. turns out she wasn't cool, smart and funny
I feel like i made up for not being able to drink on St Pattys Day, Mardi Gras, and last years Cinco De Mayo. That hungover.
It's sad that the best source of heat that I have is my vaporizer.
I will probably be peed on at some point today.
Houston, we have a squirter
He brought a girl home so fat he called me before they got home to unlock the right side of the French doors
Fuck he won the bet
Just saw a dude dressed as captain america driving down the highway. He saluted me.
i said cake fell into my bra, you stood up and yelled "Im coming soldier", leaped acrossed the couch and started motorboating my boobs. i would have been cool with it if your mom didnt keep calling me the "lesbiainizer"
I just walked in on her masturbating to a social anxiety video...
woke up this morning to a baggy full of adderall and two redbulls..i'm gonna marry this guy one day
It's confirmed. I have two dates on Saturday, and they are both named Mike.
Randomize
