I do regret it. But I can't unfuck her
no seriously he was fingering me like he was really really frantically looking for a song on his iPod.
I woke up and there is a food processor in my purse. Someone else's framed family photo. My front door is wide open and my gerbil is playing in the water bong.
Yeah I'm going to bathe him.
my bartender licked my nipple. never stay after hours
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
You just handed me your ATM card and wrote your PIN number on a dollar bill and said "for bail money."
Hey! I was tired. I threw up in two parking lots yesterday.
I'm just walking around Lowe's groping the carpets....
bro i dont care how hot she was, you try keeping it up with the amount of puppet he had in her room, it was like fucking in jeff dunham's house
We both work at 8am and I have to shower but my roommate is passed out on our bathroom floor with the door locked. Merry Christmas.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
My google history for last night included "Whre is johns house" and "wher can i buy nukes?" Pretty sure they're related to one another.
The only downside to doctor sex is that getting choked with a stethoscope leaves marks.
Your ability to eat ass like its your job and yet turn down quinoa because it's "gross" is confusing.
The magician guy on probation is here at the bar. I'm gonna get him to show me a trick
You ruined the universe
I have two choices: tits or tacos. I just can't decide.
Randomize