ok understand this, i didn't pay for your dinner bc you said i wasn't going to get a blowjob for at least a month... this isn't a mail-in rebate deal, you gotta pay upfront
The reason halloween exists is because it's not cheating if you're wearing a costume.
So you know that marine I slept with, well his girlfriend just told me I was pretty, I almost feel bad for sleeping with him now...
Dont! You were just serving you country
I think I've lost the thrill of being a slut. It's just that the newness has worn off, I think.
I bought a police grade breathalyzer on ebay at 4:37 am. At least I'm a responsible drunk.
I got eye-fucked by an 80 year old man wearing a cowboy hat while I was singing country. How do you think karaoke went?
We are no longer allowed to have pre 4th party week. I woke up with a donut stuck to my face and 'MILF' written in black marker on my stomach.
Mother of the Year
alicia just called me and talked to me in "the eternal language of the dinosaurs" and then kind of roared and gurgled. what kind of 4th of july are you guys having?
the boozy kind. is there any other?
I'm at an awkward stage of not being able to tell if I wanna keep having fun or if I need to die in bed
GOOD NEWS I CAN BRING THE VODKA IN MY LUGGAGE
Well my grandma put the turkey in the oven for 4 hours and didn't have the oven on.
I can now recognize that when my wine bottle reaches a certain point, I probably shouldn't tweet, text or call anyone. RESPONSIBILITY
I apologize for there being a shopping cart in the living room. I don't know how why or where i got it.
i'm growling thTa how much i wNn slwwwp.
save me some of whatever you're doing i'll be there in five.
I dont think the chain smoking, tequila shots or cocaine was good for my bronchitis.
Randomize
