Holy wow, I found all the old poems u wrote me back when we were in looooooooove...just sort of wild to look back on, thought u'd like that
dude, best porn name ever, "the Hunt for Red Cocktober"
I just watched a girl in the library pull a vodka bottle out of her bag. I think I'm going to give her my number.
my boss just accepted "because it's 4/20" as a legitimate reason to take Friday off
I dont care how drunk you were. Making a bet with MY husband at MY wedding that you could seal the deal before he could is ALWAYS inappropriate!
Dudes don't just lick butts of chicks they're not into.
u kept repeating to itself "hot cheetos and nacho cheese sauce.."
I'm sure the lady doing my pedicure could smell the sex on me.
honestly my period and I are just as surprised to see each other every month
Why is "Oprah of drinks" written on my arms?
You said to write it on you, after you kept saying, "You get a drink, you get a drink, everyone gets a drink."
The fact that my boss lets me drink on my lunch break makes Mondays much easier.
how did you set a fucking salad on fire????????
Why is there never any toilet paper at his apartment? What does he wipe his ass with? WHAT DOES HE WIPE IT WITH?!?
We're both fucking guys named Frank. Our friendship was meant to be.
I accidentally just texted my dad asking if he wants to do shrooms with me. Do I leave the city now or...
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