dude can i febreze my hair or is that slutty?
as nice as a boyfriend sounds, a relationship would require morals and self-restraint - both fields in which i lack.
momma always taught us never to change for a boy..
Also...you were trying to touch his balls without him noticing
you realize that if you hadn't mouthed "we're getting laid tonight", i wouldn't have woken up with your ex this morning. just sayin
ughh I puked about 4 times on metro, no one seems to like the cool design I made on my shirt
Send me the video of myself under the polar bear skin. It's important.
Nothing is more awkward than taking a dump while someone is crying in the bathroom.
My reasons for going are selfish. She just opened her own law firm. I figure having a lawyer as a friend is a good idea. Nothing in my life suggests I won't need a lawyer again.
There is not greater feeling than lying to your boss and leaving work to shit in the comfort of your own home
If it wasn't for the fact that I drink during my lunch break I'm pretty sure I would have quit this job by now
Just saw the mall santa roll by on a rascal scooter holding a chic-fil-a milkshake and stop to chat up trio of cute 20-somethings. New hero.
He told me to prepare for his "Jurassic cock" and I had to leave the room from laughing.
That was just an endearing nickname I called you before. I'm not gonna call you a filthy slut now that you are one, I don't want to hurt your feelings.
I'm tired, but I'm gonna go with "I watched the debate last night and part of my soul died"
While I was giving him head he told me he had to go door to door the next day and "spread the word of Jesus Christ" I felt like a Disney villain out to steal his virtue.
Randomize
