i effing cant stand that stupid soul the new way to roll hamster commercial. everyone im with is laughing and now hate them all.
Dating a girl 4 years younger than you is like living in a Taylor Swift song...
My life has literally become a dickpocolypse. Thank you, summer, I missed you.
Yeah not really sure what I said but I remember "douchebag" and "fuck your own face"
To a 70 year old lady?!
Chasing 100 proof soco w water from the tap at 4 pm, it's gonna one of those kinda Thursdays...
hey, its the girl who gave you a bloody nose and paid you back with a blow job. have you seen my shoes?
yeah a little bit of me felt bad about it. But the rest of me was having sex with him.
He set two of my ex boyfriends on fire at two different bars without anyone knowing it was him or how it happened either time. He might be a fucking super hero
I mean, they were small fires and no one got hurt, but still. Awesome.
A man just poked my foot with his crutches while I'm shitting. Is that how the disabled gays ask for a glory hole blow jay?
We didn't want to make a pit stop so I just helped my husband pee in a bottle. No one told me this was part of love.
Day drinking is so dangerous way too many construction workers out there to flirt with
Well would you like to come over anyway? I will be wearing sweatpants and disappointment. Also, I have Jack Daniels and I've managed to get drunk in under half an hour. But my boobs look awesome.
My dad picked me up from the bus station and as soon as he saw me he yelled "bus backwards is SUB!" and started laughing, I'm like 800% sure he's stoned. I'm so happy I came home for spring break.
Well if YOU HAVE TO KNOW, we're laying across the street from the bar on that grassy hill trying to see who's she's with at the bar.
extra points if i make kids and or the elderly cry
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